Subtitles by explosiveskull
They say the key to success
is to look into the future
and visualize what you want to become.
But some creatures are perfect just the way they are,
even if no one knows it yet.
Your name is Veronica.
It's nice to meet you, Veronica.
Is that Irene in the dumpster?
She's so weird.
This is Irene Willis.
She's fifteen years old and lives in Canada,
which is the country Thelma and Louise would be living in
if they decided to drive North.
Irene Willis lives in Parc, Ontario,
the most insignificant geographical location
in North America.
Just one hour north of Toronto.
Close enough to know what you're missing,
but far enough to never get there.
It was no fluke that the local high school was built
right next to the local retirement home,
which was built right beside the local funeral home.
That's because the people who live in Parc are lazy.
I wish I could be like you.
You get to grow wings and fly away from this town.
Parc, Ontario is also the 'shitty plaza' capital
of the world.
If you want to find a place where no one would want to shop,
you'll find it right here in town.
Veronica, girls like us need to stick together.
Flush it.
Goodbye, Veronica.
Irene's mom, Lydia, is the type of mother
who makes her daughter murder her only friend.
But she wasn't always like this.
Kick! Kick!
Sixteen years ago, Lydia Willis was captain of the cheer squad
at Parc High, but it got her into a bit of trouble.
One little incident involving a lack of birth control
and nine months later, little Irene was pushed out
into a world that... it would seem...
would never accept her.
Lydia knows first hand how mean kids can be,
so she takes overprotection to the next level.
Irene is not allowed to watch T.V.,
surf the internet, or even own a cell phone.
This girl isn't just unpopular, she's the biggest loser in all
of Parc's teenaged history.
And 5, 6, 7, 8.
Step-touch, step-touch. And up, and up.
But this year at school,
things are going to be different.
Shake left, again. Step-touch, step...
Screw Mom.
I'm gonna be a cheerleader!
I'm gonna do it, Geena.
I'm gonna be a cheerleader!
You know what else you're going to do this year?
What?
You're going to date a jock.
But the only girls who date jocks
are popular and in style.
That's not me.
You're a trailblazer
and trailblazers have never been in style.
They walk their own path and then others follow.
When I was your age, I was so self-conscious about my height.
I wanted to hide.
Good thing I didn't hide, right?
Yeah.
In the world Irene exists in,
I, Geena Davis, am God.
And as her god, I have only one commandment:
Thou shalt not quit!
Good moring, Parc Secondary,
This is Principal Firestone
and these are your morning announcements:
Welcome to the first day of school.
New students, please check in to the auditorium...
What is she wearing?
What the hell is that?
Are you a boy or a girl?
If gender were a country, I'd be Switzerland.
Oh.
Do you ski?
This town is pretty stale, isn't it?
Yeah, flies lay their eggs in it so their maggot children
can fly away and have a better future.
Okay, you're insane... but I love your statement.
Uh-what statement?
Your anti-establishment cheerleading statement!
It's so subversive and punk.
I'm not punk.
You as a cheerleader is punk.
You realize that, right?
No, I'm a regular cheerleader.
My name is Tesh, by the way.
Ah, okay.
Okay, cheerleaders, listen up.
We have to focus on cheers this year.
I know you guys are single and ditch the homework.
We are atheltes, we have to take ourselves seriously,
okay you guys?
Okay, come on.
Now lose the poms, let's try a pyramid.
Girls, you just watch, okay?
This is how it's done.
Whatever you do, don't let your hands slip.
A cheerleader two years ago
got accidentally vaginally penetrated.
Oh my god, that must've hurt like a bitch!
No, she liked it.
So, please, be careful.
The last thing you need is to inadvertently discover
that you like being fisted by another cheerleader
during your last year of high school.
Like I did.
Steady.
Strong arms, strong arms!
Steady!
Uh, is everyone's vagina okay?
What happened to your uniform?
Why'd you cover it up?
I... just, um...
Well, it's amazing.
I think it's really commendable for a girl like you
to not worry about embarrassing herself.
What are you looking at?
They're skipping the first day of school
to practice a cheer.
I wish I could do that.
They're all bitches.
Maybe they're just ambitious and misunderstood.
Like most bitches.
Do you want to try out for cheer squad?
I have an in if you want it.
It's today though.
It's sort of an initiation thing.
What do I have to do?
Today.
After school.
Boys' Locker room.
Boys' locker room?
Don't worry.
It's just a... DNA thing.
I'll be there.
And take off the hoodie.
You should be proud of who you are.
I'm totally rocking a boner right now.
Ugh!
I don't do your boner.
You know that.
I have standards.
But I'm your boyfriend.
Fine.
Whip it out, let me see.
Is it a polish sausage or a veggie dog?
It's a Polish sausage.
Oh, I forgot.
I'm a vegetarian.
Okay, what's the plan?
If you wanna be a cheerleader, you need to familiarize yourself
with getting the DNA of all the boys in our school
in your mouth.
Where are the cheerleaders?
They don't operate on this level.
This is to weed out all the ones without cheer spirit.
Does anyone have any objections to me taping this?
The squad's requested a recording.
No?
Robbie, start recording.
Today, to prove you have cheer spirit,
you will lick the shower floor.
But we could get athlete's foot!
In our mouths.
Athlete's foot is just fungus.
Does anyone here really hate mushrooms that much?
I like shiitake mushrooms, actually.
They're really good in Asian soups.
Okay, so who's gonna go first?
I'll have you know
the first girl to volunteer last year made squad.
I'll go first.
I don't think I like the taste of DNA.
Oh my god.
That was so good, did you get it?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Uh-disinfecting!
Okay, we do not tolerate troublemakers
here at Parc Secondary.
I'm not a troublemaker, I'm a victim!
No, you're a drunk!
He's a drunk!
I'm drunk, not a drunk.
It's a verb, not a noun.
Okay, you know what?
After this here, we're going to have a talk
about you being fired.
Okay.
I've called all of your parents.
You'll be suspended for two weeks.
All of you troublemakers!
Oh, you think that's funny?
We have a special program for suspended students.
Community service.
I hope you like old people.
What?
Ugh.
Old people?
Shit.
Oh, shit, Mom!
You have one new message.
Hi, there, Ms. Willis.
This is Principal Firestone calling from Parc Secondary.
We're just calling...
Deleted.
Hey!
What are you wearing?
Nothing.
Open the hoodie.
Absolutely not!
No, you will not be a cheerleader.
Why? You were.
You're not cheerleader material like I was, okay.
You need to be aware of your limitations.
They made fun of you, didn't they?
No.
They asked me to join squad.
Do I look like an idiot to you?
Sometimes.
Irene!
Actually, most of the time.
I just don't want you to embarrass yourself, okay?
'Cause you're at the age now when,
you know, bad experiences they... stay with you.
Why didn't you just ask your boyfriend
to pull out before he finished?!
That's disgusting!
I'm disgusting?
I'm not the one who had nasty unprotected sex
in the back of a pick up truck.
It was a Honda Civic!
Hi.
So I've been thinking... um, maybe there is another
school program that would be more appropriate for you.
Like what?
Chess Club.
Hmm?
I haven't played chess in my entire life.
You can learn.
Okay, fine, how about stamp collecting?
Stamp collecting?
Okay-uh, bicycle club.
Bicycles?
That's not even a real club, Mom.
Debate team.
You love to fight with me!
Why fight when I can cheer?
Oh, god.
Irene, do you have to have a comeback for everything?
Yes.
Well, then, goodnight.
Today is the worst day in the history of days.
Think of it this way, when you hit rock bottom
on your first day of high school,
you have no place to go, but up!
I wish you were my mother, Geena Davis.
I'm your God.
Isn't that enough?
No.
God damnit.
Teenagers are never satisfied.
I can't pick you up until 4:30.
Fine. Whatever.
What's this eye make up you have on?
It's new.
It makes you look like a Slovakian hooker.
You look at me when I'm talking to you!
Get out of my car.
I don't think you look like a Slovakian hooker,
but I've never really been to Slovakia.
Don't talk to me.
Does your mom know you're suspended?
My Mom's not very nice to me either,
so at least we have something in common!
Do you want to walk to the retirement home together?
You're worse than rabies.
Actually, rabies is curable with antibiotics and rest.
Not that bad!
You should be a lesbian.
Only lesbians are into weird fat chicks.
I'll look into it!
Thanks for the tip.
Okay, kids,
welcome to Mapleview Retirement Home.
A place to relax and enjoy
your final years after retirement.
Screw ups, follow me.
Screw up?
I'm not the one employed by a retirement home, girlfriend.
Don't make me slap you.
I have no qualms about slapping teenagers.
It's legal.
I checked.
Were we supposed to see that?
Yes.
For the next two weeks,
I want you to report promptly to me at 9am.
When you hear the bell next door at 3:30,
that is your cue to go.
But for those six and a half hours,
your juvenile asses are mine.
That is not at all inappropriate...
Oh, here comes trouble.
Can I get another Vicodin, maybe two?
Ruth, you know the rules.
I gave you one when you first got up.
You're going to have to wait another 4 hours.
But I'll be dead in four hours!
Well, we'll deal with it!
Got any pot?
Ruth!
Go to your room!
Go.
No one takes any risks anymore.
I love my life. I love my life. I love my life. Love my life.
I love my life. I love my life.
I see.
This is the waiting room for the funeral home.
Shut up.
Okay, these are your supplies for your chore:
removing this hideous wallpaper.
Oh.
I can't stand the smell in here!
It smells like rotten tomatoes meets tooth decay.
Hundreds audition, but only one will win.
Total Talent Showdown.
Who's gonna make it to round 7?
Who's gonna get cut?
Find out after this commercial break.
Is this what you do all day?
What else is there to do?
You could go outside?
Or go to the mall?
The bus driver quit, dear.
I think I want to die before I get old.
No offense.
You're terrifying.
Thank you.
I didn't actually mean that.
Have you ever noticed that really scary people
like serial killers always look normal?
So I avoid all people wearing pleated khakis and golf shirts.
I'm gonna go eat now.
Yeah, you do that.
You should find a new bus driver.
People need to get away from this place.
The only people who have bus licenses in this town
are drunks and pedophiles.
Can I sit here?
Of course, dear.
That's Millie.
She likes cashmere turtlenecks, she's sexually frustrated
and she has no idea what day it is.
I like hoodies, I'm a virgin, and it's Tuesday.
I know it's Tuesday.
She ridicules me.
It's non stop.
Irene's totally going to grow up to be one of those dumpy women
who own a kennel on the outskirts of town.
That's like... a metaphor.
She's the fecal matter in motel rooms
that you can only see with an infrared light.
That's a metaphor.
She's like a dog's butthole that swells every time it barks.
Actually, that's a simile.
Not a metaphor.
New resident!
Don't touch me!
...sell my house, dump me in a place like this?
He looks single.
Hope he's a widower.
They're great in the sack.
That doesn't even make sense.
Nothing's hotter than a grieving lover.
Hello, welcome, welcome!
Good afternoon, Mr. Preston.
I think we're gonna need a little bit of privacy.
Charles Preston, my name is Barrett Harbinson and I'm...
Fuck you.
I like this one.
You're in room 9, which is just down the hall,
uh, if you don't mind, I'll take you there right now.
If there's an emergency,
just press the red "help" button in your bedroom.
And if you can't get up, just pull the string.
Enjoy your stay.
I hope it's a long one.
Bye for now.
For just fifty dollars,
a palette for all skin tones.
It's a long wear lipstick,
I'm gonna add a little bit more right here.
Just a touch.
Perfect!
Irene, being on the cheerleading squad
is about representing the school, you know what I mean?
Yeah!
Which is why only the best dancers get to join squad...
No, it's about representation.
Would you eat at a restaurant that had an ugly facade
and never washed their windows?
If the food was good.
Exactly.
My point is that you eat too much.
What made you actually think you could be a cheerleader?
You're fat.
Yeah, everyone would be afraid to lift you!
Hey, you!
Leave her alone, you little chihuahua.
Chihuahua?
You're gonna die soon.
Not soon enough, when I meet bitches like you.
Suck your mother's cock.
I'd try, but your mother's in the way.
Don't fuck with me.
What is going on here?
What the hell is this place?
It's the place you're gonna die.
Hi, Chuck.
What are you doing?
I was thinking of giving myself a lobotomy with this pen.
Cool.
Can I help you unpack?
Okay.
You were a boxer!
Cool!
Is this a picture of your wife, Chuck?
She's sexy.
You have no idea what this is like.
Moving into this place where you know you're gonna die.
I do know.
High school started yesterday.
And besides, you might not die in here.
My grandpa was hit by a delivery truck outside of a laundromat.
You're very sexy.
If I had a penis, I'd probably have wet dreams about you.
But I want to avoid sex altogether
until I'm more established in my career.
Can you just leave me alone?
Intelligent women throughout history settle into marriages
and never achieve their own goals!
Have you ever heard of Einstein?
Ah-never heard of him.
He was married.
She was a scientist, she gave it all up for him.
And then he left her for his own cousin.
Can you imagine?
Your husband cheats on you to commit incest?
That's, like, the ultimate insult.
Oh my god!
We're in a church!
Are you in special ed?
No.
'Cause you're going to end up in a mental hospital.
You're aware of that, right?
No, I'm gonna end up on a football field.
And why is that?
I'm gonna be a cheerleader.
Have you looked in a mirror lately?
Have you?
You're old and you kind of smell like an empty pickle jar.
If I blur my eyes, you look Veronica.
Who's Veronica?
She's my pet maggot my mom made me flush down the toilet.
Can I get you anything
to make your stay more comfortable, Chuck?
Vodka.
Hmm.
How am I ever gonna become a cheerleader
when I'm stuck at a retirement home?
You could do anything anywhere, Irene.
With anyone.
Cheerleading is just dance choreography.
Think about that.
Okay.
Irene, you realize you're talking to a poster, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Just checking.
Hey!
What are you doing in the living room?
It's only for special occasions.
Why can't we just live in the living room, Mom?
Because!
Living stains.
I heard about your suspension, you shit disturber.
Aren't you supposed to be in class?
Listen, don't get suspended from the retirement home
like you got from school.
How do you get suspended from a retirement home?
You die.
...come on down, prices so low
you'll think you're in another century.
These cars are going for practically nothing!
No payments for 12 months.
Don't wait!
Next up: we have a dance crew all the way from
St. John's, Newfoundland who call themselves "Tight Fusion".
Now, they've advanced 2 rounds,
but is tonight the night that they go home?
Let's find out.
5, 6, 7, 8.
1, 2, 3 and 4, 5 and 6, 7 and 8.
Woo!
Okay.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 and 7, 8.
Okay, good.
Let's try it again, though.
Um, a little more spirit this time.
Okay, ready?
The stage is being set for the next season
of Total Talent Showdown.
All you need is a special talent.
Come on, grab your crew.
We're looking for people of all ages.
Anyone can be on the show.
All you need is talent and the need to show it off.
5, 6, 7, 8.
Cheerleading is like having protective armour.
If you're a cheerleader, you're in harmony
with those surrounding you.
Do we have anything to cut this with, sweetie?
It's a bit strong.
I'm gonna show you something.
Are you ready, guys?
Follow my movements, 'kay?
Okay, come on you guys.
Keep going, we gotta get warm.
Running in place is so much work!
Oh my... oh my god.
What is she doing?
We'll scrape you up like dental plaque.
Did you by any chance, sniff glue
when you got up this morning, sweetie?
Okay, follow my movements.
Ready?
We have nothing to cheer for.
No one cheers for anything in this town,
except for the Parc High Cheerleaders.
Parc High is good to go, have you seen our possums throw?
We'll roll you like you're pastry-o!
Woo!
Now, follow me.
Ugh, that was so good!
I can't do what those girls do!
Can't we try?
That was good!
Just, I wanna hear that snap, okay?
Let's do it together one more time.
A 5, 6, 7, 8.
Parc High is good to go, have you seen our...
Ah...
We'll roll you like you're pastry-o!
Woo!
Let's try again.
But we've retired, dear.
From everything.
So you're just gonna give up?
Just because we're not like them?
Yes.
...across, open, around and snap.
Good job, guys!
Cross, open, nails, nails, head, around and snap.
That was good!
No one wants a fat cheerleader.
I'm just gonna embarrass myself.
Don't worry about embarrassing yourself.
I was in a movie called "Earth Girls Are Easy" and I survived.
Irene, you cannot waste time worrying
about what you think you see in the mirror.
That's easy for you to say.
You look good in a leotard.
When I was your age, I was the tallest kid in class.
It was always my greatest dream
to take up less space in the world.
I know that well.
But there were better dreams to have.
It took me a while to realize I'd rather be over someone
than under them.
Yeah, why can't life just be easy?
It should be.
Those people who say you can't be beautiful and fat?
Tell them they could all suck my dick.
You have a dick?
I'm Geena Davis.
I have everything.
Hi.
Are you a boy today?
No, I'm Annie Hall.
Anyway, I saw you and those old people yesterday.
If you're gonna insult me, just do it.
I don't like all the build up before it.
You wanna be a cheerleader, yeah?
Not a punk one.
A real one.
You just need music!
Hey, guys.
Can you point her in the direction
of some good dance music?
She needs quality.
Vinyl, I'm assuming?
I was actually thinking something
more like audio cassette.
Oh, you're a real hipster.
Oh, keep your money, I put those tapes where they belong.
Come on.
You seem a little bit too comfortable here.
Garbage is kind of my comfort zone.
Amazing.
Oh, this is all you need, Euro dance music from the early 90s.
This is like oxygen for the people who wear
high-waisted jeans and thick belts.
The good thing about tapes is that they don't scratch.
Then why'd you throw them in the garbage?
They didn't sell.
Well, aren't things people throw away better anyways?
Maybe I should give these tapes another listen.
Irene, you have the music,
now you must give birth to your dream
and remember the path to cheerleading
will not be a straight one.
In what way?
I can't be clear.
I'm your mentor, I must be confusing.
Who you talking to?
I'm just having a conversation.
With yourself?
Geena Davis.
What?
Myself.
Alright.
You know your friend Tesh?
Tesh is weird.
Weird and smart.
Tesh knows that when people like you go out and do their thing,
it pisses people off.
Now you've got music and booze.
Get those old folks off their butts.
But, I wanna be a regular cheerleader
not a pissed off one.
This town doesn't need another regular cheerleader.
This town needs you.
Thanks, Geena.
It'll work.
But I mean, I don't think these people wanna do this.
I think we can convince them.
Really?
Yeah, look at you, you're sexy.
Enjoy your golden years
at Florida's hottest retirement destination.
Hey, we were watching that!
You need to move your bodies.
Why the hell would we want to do that?
Because it's fun.
We like to watch television, dear.
I told you, we've retired.
We have a proposal.
Charles?
Umm, 'kay.
Who here wants to dance?
Who here wants to dance with him?
What I wanna do with him isn't called dancing.
I wanna smash his pelvis into dust.
That sounds dangerous.
Come on, guys.
Follow me.
Shh!
Hurry, come on!
Great.
Good.
Follow my movements, be my mirrors.
Don't worry about being bad or slow just follow best you can.
5, 6, 7, 8.
Hands in the air.
And spin.
What the hell is she doing?
No. No.
This can't be happening.
Where are we going?
We're gonna go tell that homo.
He's got the ass of a 55 year old!
This isn't bad.
5, 4, 3, 2.
This is choreography!
And what the hell is this?!
Choreography.
These people are slowing down.
Their bodies don't work like they used to.
I don't think that's true!
Well, what if they're tired of people like you always assuming
they can't do something just because of the way they look?
Have you ever heard of this little thing called arthritis?
Is watching T.V. and waiting to die
a cure for arthritis?
No.
Come on, please?
Oh, yes, okay fine!
Does that mean we get to dance?
Barrett.
What the hell is going on?
Choreography, apparently.
Is she allowed to do this?
Yes, I stopped caring.
It's been liberating, actually.
Although, I could do without all this music.
It reminds me of happier times.
Get back to work!
You too.
Thank you, where do I sign?
Oh, always at the bottom, isn't it?
Always at the bottom.
Residents, a reminder that
the chapel will beclosed 'til further notice.
It must be so sad to have no self-awareness whatsoever.
Doesn't sound so bad.
You'd never know how sad it is.
Hmm, well they need to be reminded.
That bitch is staring at us.
She's so lucky to be that pretty.
Just remember, it's the whitest dogs
always have the dirtiest buttholes.
Why you givin' me this piece of meat, woman?
They need self-awareness.
Do it.
Eat it.
Pick up the goddamn meat and put it in your mouth.
Chew it.
Now, smile at them.
Big smile.
Lot's of teeth.
Now they know you're tough.
Have you ever heard of Total Talent Showdown?
Oh my god, yes!
Is that your plan?
You were born for T.V.
I'm just gonna embarrass myself.
Everyone's gonna make fun of me.
Look at me.
Look at me!
You think I got where I am by caring?
I'm just gonna fail, everyone's waiting for it.
Success is just failure in drag, think about it.
Look, take this and if anyone bothers you,
just upload it to the Internet.
I strongly believe that bullies do not deserve privacy.
It doesn't matter if you are a musician or an acrobat.
Anyone with a special talent, we're looking for you.
Log on to our website and submit your audition today.
Gross.
You. Continue stripping the wallpaper from the lounge.
You. Keep the residents busy with your dancing, or whatever.
You. Mr. Spence needs help in his room.
Room 12.
What kind of help?
You'll find out when you get there.
I'm happy when I'm around you, Chuck.
I wanna eat you in a sandwich,
but I don't wanna digest it and poo it out.
I want you to be a part of me forever
but I don't mean that in a sexual way.
Maybe we should avoid making sandwiches together.
I'm okay with constipation.
Can we change the subject?
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Irene Willis.
Who's she?
A girl with a future filled
with plus size clothing and desperation.
Uhh, I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time following you.
She's ill in the vag, you know what I mean?
Okay, now we're gonna start by you punching me, alright?
Come on, punch me.
- No. - Punch me!
I can't punch you in the face.
No, yes you can, you can punch me right in the face.
No, I'm not gonna punch an old man.
You know, when you get old,
people think you can't handle anything.
I want you to punch me in the face.
I want you to make a big bruise.
No, I'm a nice person, I don't punch people.
No one ever changed the world by being nice.
I think that Ghandi guy did, didn't he?
Fuck Ghandi!
Like, we tried cyberbullying her,
but that didn't work 'cause she doesn't even have the internet.
So now I'm stuck here, in hell, with you.
Do you know why you've been sent in here to help?
Excuse me?
I like listening to Bluegrass when I'm getting changed over.
Changed over?
You take the old one off and put the new one on.
Do you mean like a diaper?
If it's okay, I prefer disposable brief.
I hate Irene Willis!
Come on, punch me!
No!
Punch me!
No!
Fat girls can't cheer.
How'd that feel?
Really, really good.
1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
Star.
So to do cheerleading, we're gonna have to do some lifts.
Are you crazy?
We can't do lifts!
We're a lot stronger than we look, aren't we?
Ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja.
You want me to what?
Simple lifts!
You cook them food, you might as well lift them up in the air.
Why the hell would I wanna join a cheerleading team?
Because it's awesome.
Ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja.
Pump, pump, pump, pump.
Ninja, ninja, ninja...
And lift.
Oh, oh, oh...
Jump.
Ninja, ninja.
Pump, pump...
What are you doing here?
All I've been doing lately is burning coconut incense,
masturbating, and crying myself to sleep.
What?
I need a hobby.
Can we join?
You're gonna be our cameraman.
5, 6, 7, 8.
I'm Geena Davis and this is how I arch.
Ooh.
I just want you to know that
I think the world needs more masculine women.
I think everytime a woman waxes her upper lip a kitten dies.
I waxed yesterday.
Yeah, I'm more of a dog person anyway.
Y'know, cat's have kind of taken over the internet,
it's obnoxious.
Hey!
I need more music.
Well, uh, garbage day was yesterday,
so the dumpster's empty now.
I can give something from my personal collection,
if you want.
This here is Milli Vanilli.
Sad story. The real singers were chubby, middle-aged.
They thought they couldn't sell records,
so these dudes posed as the singers.
That's really sad.
Yeah.
And when their fans found out, they were really angry,
they threw out their records.
People burned them, which is too bad,
because this is cheesy music at it's best.
Are you saying this is a rare artifact
that was rejected by millions of people?
Yeah, I guess I am.
It's perfect.
Well, it's all yours.
A freebie for the weirdo.
Hi, is this Irene Willis?
On behalf of the production here at Total Talent Showdown,
that was maybe the most ridiculous audition
we've just ever seen, but in a very, very good way.
It was very good.
They like us!
Honestly, you and your crew, very timely.
With the old and the young and the dancing.
Very fresh, it's gonna make for great television.
They think we're fresh!
They're being sarcastic.
Can you and your crew make it for an audition tomorrow
at Yorkdale mall in Toronto?
I'm gonna put you in for 12:15.
We have an audition tomorrow at Yorkdale mall
at 12:15 in Toronto!
How are we gonna get there?
It will be taped for broadcast,
so there will be some release forms...
We'll be there!
Hello?
Borrow the bus?
Are you kidding me?
For what?
Um, an extracurricular activity.
No.
But we need the bus,
it's the only thing that will fit everyone!
For what?
...A field trip.
Where?
Uh, to a place?
Listen, Irene, there is nobody qualified to drive this bus.
No one!
We could take a risk!
No-it's illegal!
But a lot of things were illegal
before people just started doing it.
Like oral sex in Connecticut.
Be ahead of the times!
No, I'm not losing my shitty job over this.
These are my keys.
This is the bus key.
The bus is now out of commission.
We need to steal the bus!
The producer says they're taping us at 12:15 tomorrow...
we can't be late!
Okay.
Oh, so-so maybe-you told me your mother drives a limo.
Maybe she could help us?
Are you kidding?
My Mom doesn't even know I'm suspended!
All of this has to be a secret!
Okay.
Anybody got any drugs?
I think we need to drug that homosexual in khakis
so we can steal his keys.
It's impossible to get drugs in this place.
Leave it to me.
I'll get those damn keys if it's the last thing I do.
Everyone?
Meet outside the retirement home at 10am.
Can I help you?
You're Irene's mom, right?
Who the hell are you?
I'm a friend.
Irene doesn't have any friends.
I'm... a colleague.
Missed a spot.
How was school?
Good.
Stop lying to me.
Sit down.
Drinking vodka and replacing it with water?
It didn't work when I was your age.
It doesn't work now.
I didn't drink that.
I know about your suspension.
The retirement home?
I know.
Who told you?
A friend.
I don't have any friends.
It was a colleague.
Bitch!
Shit!
Asshole!
God!
Just listen up.
Does anyone know how to hotwire?
Do we look like car thieves to you?
You look like fast learners.
How the hell are we gonna learn how to hotwire a bus?
You must be in denial if you think we can do that.
Wanna hear about denial?
She's still taking birth control.
It's only to control my heavy flow.
I can hotwire a car.
The only thing it'll get you is arrested
and then the only job you can get, when you get out of jail,
is cooking meals at a shitty retirement home.
I guess it can't hurt to do it twice.
We'll have to distract Barrett.
Right.
I have an idea.
And don't think about going out this weekend.
You are grounded!
But Mom, there's a really important thing tomor...
No!
Why ground me, when I'm already in prison?
Oh, just because I won't allow the internet in here
doesn't make it a prison!
Yes it does!
Do you have any idea how much of a freak I am?!
Why can't I have a cell phone like everybody else?
Cell phones turn perfectly nice people into assholes!
Have you looked around lately?!
Everyone is an asshole!
I wanna be an asshole!
I want my daughter to have an attention span!
I never had an attention span!
I don't want my daughter to be one of those people
who's texting when she should be making eye contact!
And don't even get me started on sexting!
I wanna sext!
That's all I wanna do!
Oh my god, can't you see that I'm trying to protect you?
From what?
You're not like everybody else, okay?
Girls like you need to be smart, you can't be a cheerleader!
You can't rely on your beauty!
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't want you to get bullied, okay?
Those cyberbullies are, like, the worst!
I wanna be cyberbullied!
I can handle it!
No you can't!
Just admit it, you're embarrassed by me!
You, come down here, right now.
You got nothing out of life, except for a fat daughter
you wish you'd never had.
Maybe if you recognize that your body is a temple,
like I have been trying to teach you!
Aren't temples and churches open to all?
So what are you saying, you want me to be a slut?
Irene, you're overweight.
Well, it's better to be over something than under it!
What?
Over the moon, over-achiever... overalls!
Stop it!
I'm fat.
I don't mind being fat!
And if it offends you so much, I love being fat.
Irene, I am just trying to be your mother, here.
You're not my mother!
Geena Davis is my mother!
That's it.
What are you doing?
Why can't you just be normal...
Stop it!
...and like...
Stop it!
...Taylor Swift?!
Mom?
What are you doing?
Open the door!
What am I supposed to do?
You're grounded!
Mom, why can't we just finish fighting like normal people?
Because you're not normal!
I gotta go to work.
I'll be back in an hour.
That's it.
I quit.
Hello?
Irene, the farther you draw back an arrow,
the farther, faster, and stronger it will fly.
Where am I?
Infinite darkness.
It's a great place for interpretive dance.
Also for shooting '80s music videos.
Madonna's "Live to Tell" was shot here.
Am I dead?
No, Irene.
You are very much alive!
But, I'm not exactly on my way to dating a jock
or becoming a cheerleader.
You're a liar, Geena Davis!
I think that was a bit harsh.
Isn't it true?
I know, everything looks horrible right now,
but just remember, even when Thelma and Louise
lost all of their money,
I got to have motel-sex with Brad Pitt.
Whoa.
Accentuate the positive!
We lost everything,
but then I got to have a great character arc!
Take it from me, Irene.
Boys don't like it when girls are taller than them.
They also don't like it when girls are fatter than them.
But do you know what we say to that?
We say fuck 'em.
Thou shalt not quit!
Why are we meeting here?
It's Saturday.
We're going to Mapleview.
Do you hear that sound?
That's the sound of my dick shrivelling up and dying.
We can stop at the funeral home on the way there.
I'm sure they have a really tiny casket.
How long does it take for a tire to deflate?
You're psycho.
Okay, come on, Millie.
Let's go.
Hey...
Where's Irene?
I thought she was with you!
What next?
Do you see that yellow wire?
Yeah.
Yeah, pull it out.
Okay.
Can we hurry it up?
Because Irene isn't even here, we have to go and pick her up!
Oh, for heaven's sake, hold your horses!
Takes patience to hotwire a bus.
Oh, Ruth, I thought you had
at least another decade left in you.
I should have just given you the Vicodin.
You were a pain in the ass, but I'll miss you.
Alright, now spark those wires together.
Ooh!
I should start stealing cars.
You were special a special lady, Ruth...
Spencer.
I am special.
I just convinced you that I was dead for a whole minute.
Why are you pretending to be dead?
A decade?
I've got at least three left, shithead!
Hurry up!
Okay, I'm coming!
Hurry!
What the hell are you doing?!
Get back here!
That's my bus!
You don't have right...
This should be good.
Get back here!
You come right back here, Ruth...
Spencer!
Thank you for starting the bus.
Actually, she did it all herself.
Millie?!
From resident slut to criminal.
Hey!
Hey, Irene!
Irene, come on!
Come on down!
You got the bus?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on!
Come on down!
I can't, I'm trapped in here!
My mom locked me in!
You're gonna have to jump!
I can't jump!
I'll catch you.
I'll kill you.
We've got expired cartilage
and look at what you've been making us do!
Okay.
Yes, you can do it!
Yes, yes!
Perfect.
You can do it!
Okay.
Come on, Irene!
Come on.
Jump!
Oh my god!
Oh my god.
Are you okay?
Yeah, no... I'm okay, I'm okay.
Let's go.
Okay.
Are you guys ready?
Just remember to smile.
Okay.
Irene?!
Year and make of the stolen vehicle?
1999 white shortbus.
And who do you suspect of stealing it?
The residents.
The residents?
The residents of this retirement home.
Are you telling me the old people of this retirement home
stole the bus?
Yes.
Cool.
Where the hell is my daughter?
Ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja.
And more cheer.
So ready, okay.
5, 6, 7, 8.
I should have been a bus driver.
Just what the world needs: a slutty bus driver!
Okay, Ruth, I've had it.
I want you to treat me with respect!
I do.
I respect anyone who's vagina'sbeen through so much
it's written a "tell all".
It's even made it on the New York Times Best Sellers List.
Stop bullying me!
I'm not bullying anyone.
I love sluts!
Apologize!
Millie, slow down!
Jesus, don't kill us!
Okay, I'm sorry.
Well, one of our residents, Ruth...
Hi!
Where is she?
We know where she's headed,
Not sure she'll get there, though.
You know, I've always wanted to ride in the back of a limo.
Millie, slow down!
Oh my god!
I'm trying, but...
I think we may have a flat tire!
Is everybody alright?
What time is it?
Here.
Shit!
It's a flat.
Oh, no.
We ain't going to Toronto.
We're screwed.
We're not going to make it to the audition, guys.
But we practiced!
Don't cry, Irene.
'Kay. Keep an eye out, please.
Look out that window, see if they're on that side.
This is the coolest Limo ever.
Do talk to me.
I just don't want you to embarrass yourself.
You're fat.
You can't be a cheerleader!
This town doesn't need another regular cheerleader.
This town needs you.
We're not gonna make it to the audition,
but we're gonna do it anyway.
Where?
See that plaza?
We're gonna do it right there.
What?
Come on!
Come on, get ready!
I've got the tape; I'll press play.
Alright.
Okay, come on, let's go!
We can do this!
Come on. Yeah, come over here!
Okay, get into positions.
Yeah, right there.
Song's about to start!
What the fuck?
There they are!
There they are... pull over!
Oh my god!
That's my mom!
I'm going to be your mom for the next ten seconds.
If you stop dancing, I'm gonna slap the shit out of you!
Oh my god.
One more.
Yep.
So cute.
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
Woo!
Yes!
Encore!
Oh, we did incredible!
We did it!
Your daughter is amazing.
Does she get it from you?
You keep laughing at her, it's not gonna work.
She doesn't care.
...but I do.
And if you bully my daughter again, you little bitch,
I'm gonna call your mom.
Girls like you?
They peak in high school.
Let me tell ya, it's all downhill from there.
I gotta run, but this was amazing.
You slashed our tires, didn't you?
Why do you hate me so much?
Why do you have to be so mean?
I'm so sorry.
I don't believe in violence, but suck my dick.
You have a dick?
I'm Irene Willis.
I have everything.
Want one?
We need to go.
Say goodbye to your friends.
Well, we didn't get on T.V.,
but you guys are such good dancers, you know.
I had such a good time.
I never liked the show anyway.
Well, at least we brought some excitement to this plaza!
Hey, uh, nice hook punch, by the way.
Thanks.
Alright, Irene, we need to go.
Okay.
Let's go, we're walking back.
Come on, Millie.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
That was fun.
You taught those old people my cheer moves.
Yeah.
Well, your diagonals are off.
They're, like, totally sloppy.
Sorry.
If you want to be a cheerleader, you're gonna have to perform
every move sharply, you know?
Everything's gotta be like a punch!
I can show you, if you want.
Really?
Yeah.
But you have to stop lying to me.
Mhm.
Okay.
So, how did you get those old people to move like that?
Uh, I gave them music and alcohol.
Oh, so that's what you did with my vodka.
Come on, Irene!
I've got dinner ready!
Okay, Mom!
Coming!
I think you're one of the greats, Irene.
Thanks for taping me back together.
Don't change for anyone.
You got it, Geena Davis.
You don't need me anymore.
My work here is done.
I still need you.
I have to go back to school tomorrow.
Everyone's gonna make fun of me all over again!
Other girls need my help.
But what about me?
Thank you, for liking me and not Taylor Swift.
Goodbye, Irene.
Geena?
Geena Davis?
What are you doing?
Do you ever wish that we lived in a parallel universe,
where high school didn't exist?
Then where would we all get fucked up?
Come on, every Thelma needs her Louise.
So when are we dancing again?
I'm gonna teach dance at the retirement home,
if you wanna join?
Obviously I wanna be there.
That was the most fun I've ever had.
Me too.
After you, sister.
Good morning, students.
This is Principal Firestone with your morning announcements.
Reminder that the fall fair committee is gathering
after school... to discuss the fall fair dance sock hop.
Oh my god, that bitch is staring at us.
We are still looking for a DJ
who will play appropriate music for the occasion...
Get the hell away from her, or I'll punch you in the vulv.
I'd like to have a word with her alone, please.
It's okay.
This is pepper spray, in case you need it.
Where's Robbie?
We broke up.
Sorry about your eye.
I have something to say.
I respect a girl who can throw punches like that.
Especially at... me.
I know what it's like to have your mom not get you.
Okay, this conversation ends now.
Sarah Lindt.
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
Sarah Lindt.
My name is Geena Davis and I'm going to change your life.
Hey!
Oh, you go here?
I, uh, I saw your dancing online.
How many hits are you at now, like a billion?
You make me feel funny.
It's terrifying.
My name's Jacques.
Jacques Zimmerman.
You don't have to shake my hand, that was weird.
Jacques?
Do you wanna do something this weekend?
You-you wanna hang out with me?
Yeah.
I just wanna let you to know: my career comes first.
Also, I have pepper spray.
Uh, okay!
Cool.
I have a cell phone now.
You can text me on it.
905-555-0178.
Sext me as soon as you can!
Okay.
Why didn't you try out for cheer squad?
I tried, I licked the floor and everything.
I have no idea what you're talking about,
but we need you.
Really?
We like talent when we see it.
Okay, come on you guys.
Let's stretch those glutes, warm those hamstrings.
C'mon.
Remember.
Everything like a... like a punch!
Okay.
Hey, Irene.
What are you gonna do if they knock you down?
I'm gonna get back up.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna get back up and I'm gonna cheer.
Great.
Now remember, eat the meat!
Come on, Irene!
We're waiting for you!
Skipping class to practice a cheer.
We're so hardcore!
Hey, perfect.
I can't believe it.
A fat cheerleader?
Don't mess with her, you'll regret it.
Why?
She'll punch you in the face.
Okay, everyone's here.
Let's form a pyramid.
What are you doing there?
I thought you'd want me here.
We're athletes!
And you need to learn how to climb.
Let's do a thigh stand.
You want me on top?
Yes!
We don't have all day.
They say the key to success
is to look into the future
and visualize what you want to become.
But some creatures are perfect just the way they are.
And the special ones, if they stay alive long enough,
they grow wings and fly.
Woo!
Go Possums!
Subtitles by explosiveskull